Online dating is so jacked up.
September 25, 2014 § 3 Comments
Wanna know a secret?
Of course you do, duh. Who doesn’t want to know secrets? We love secrets. 🙂
Folks like to say I “live out loud” and I will continue to do so until I stop having fun or receiving messages from others letting me know something I did was encouraging. Whichever comes first. But, I don’t show everything to everyone. You already don’t believe me. Whatever.
But, the secret? The secret is that a part of me is totally terrified.
Yep, afraid. And after a text message conversation I had this week, I’m still a wee bit afraid, but less so. It’s easier now to tell that voice to shut up. Be quiet. Have.a.seat.
Thing is, people can be cruel. Even when they think they’re being helpful, they can be cruel. So far, just this *month*, a person I respect told me that I need to have men in the online dating world think “Oh, she’s a bigger girl, but she’s got a great rack”. A man I was seeing for awhile sent me books on losing weight, unannounced. I’ve had another woman tell me that I need to wear clothing that is loose on my body. Um, no. That is called a poncho and I do not wear ponchos, thank you very much and amen.
And, as I have recently (again) started the online dating thing, which is exhausting given my very weird schedule, the part of me that’s afraid has only gotten louder with these interactions. Because, in the past, there have been times I’ve shown up for a date and you can hear the disappointment ALL OVER his face. “Oh, she really is 5’9″, she really isn’t tiny”. They put up with the dinner and then disappear. Or, like a couple of them, they walk me to my car and assume I’m only in it for the physical and push things WAY too far.
Online dating is kind of a nightmare.
However, my life is drop dead beautiful. Please hear that. People are broken and do jacked up things, but that’s because they are people. That’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. So, in part of this beauty, I’m still friends with almost every man I’ve ever dated. I sent a message to one of them. He’s sincerely one of the best men walking this earth. I would have said that before this story and I feel like this will only prove that statement. He’s also really handsome. Ask any of my girlfriends. My message told him of my fear of wasting my time, of being ‘a disappointment’ and I asked him what he found so attractive about me. “The way we started was really really lovely,” I said. “And if something like that could happen again, which seems more and more rare, I would be more willing to put myself out there, I think.”
He was appalled that I was even having to consider being a disappointment or any of the related things. How does acknowledgement of a person’s pain bring tears? I don’t know, but it did. His response to that question was the longest, which speaks to his gentlemanly ways. And then, he replied to my second question.
“When we first met, I was attracted to you because you were super hot, full of life and had a great laugh. And that was before I even got to know you.”
Dear dating world,
Send me some of THAT.
Seriously, though. I about died. I’m not sure he had any idea how lovely that text was.
So, tell the voices that preach over you to shut the eff bomb up. You might have some jack wagons in your life who have no idea how to treat others and don’t let them get away with it. Just strive to be kind, but don’t let them have authority in your life. Laugh loud and long. Eat cookies. Be your radiant weird awesome self and shine.
If you’d like to shine with another person the general male population finds disappointing, come on over. We’ll talk shit together. Or go find an adventure.
It’ll be absolutely fantastic.