Hope lives in doubt.

July 22, 2013 § 4 Comments

There will be tension.

It’s not how do you avoid the tension.  Rather, it’s what do you do with the tension.  I feel like this is true of almost everything life sends along.

On Saturday night, I began a conversation that I almost immediately regretted.  Eric & I had spent the day capturing one of the greatest weddings we’ve been involved with, but weddings always exhaust my extrovert.  Add to it Day 6 of the first multi-day sickness I’ve had since Prague and I was completely exhausted.  But, my favorite Brodie is leaving.  That is a whole ‘nother blog post.  So, fresh face, chin up, let’s go salute our friend.
Hear me well, I’m glad I went.
But, in the conversation, my Instagram feed got called annoying.
Hit me like a brick through the front window.

And the voices in my head used it to yell at me that all my social media feeds are annoying.  That, frankly, all struggles with the business exist because I am worthless.  They took every single stress and threw it on top of my tired self.  When you are tired, the voices in your head speak truth at full volume.  It’s like someone gives them one of those terrible echoing microphones – you know, like in The Wizard of Oz – and a cloning machine.  You blink and there are 72 of them.  Where do they come from?
Seriously, if you can tell me where they come from I will pay you in my Kahlua Heath bar trifle.

Fast forward to this morning and I roll over still half asleep fully convinced that I should sell everything I own except the car, pack it full of whatever is left, and drive to California.  Call one of the many amazing Rachel’s in my life and find a winery to work for.  New phone.  New life.  I’d have a Mulligan by Christmas.
Amazing what a sleepy brain can convince you is totally rational.

As artists (and mothers and daughters and friends and roommates and employees), we critique ourselves like it’s our full-time job.  We will tear ourselves down until we are nothing, if we let the voices have their way.  By 10am this morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much easier my life would be if I just hung up the camera.  Sold it.  Took a desk job for Target or somewhere else kind of fun, but still predictable.  I’d have health benefits and I would know my salary and I could even tell my roommates when I could pay the electric bill!
Then, an email.  And a google chat.  And a Facebook message.  All asking for quotes for jobs.
And at 11am, I got a phone call about a gig.  We wrapped up the conversation with her singing praises about my work and thanking me for my kindness.

I hope she couldn’t hear me tearing up on the other end of the line.

Dare I say that doubt is okay.  Questioning is perfectly acceptable.  If you don’t question, just take things at face value, you’ll just ride the wave of whatever is currently trendy and really won’t go anywhere.  The waves will die and you will be standing exactly where you were on the shore.

And so, to quote my grand friend Melissa:
you are loved. you have a good day. live the questions. ride the waves of tears. because it’s ok.


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