Raise your hand if you hate it.

March 30, 2013 § Leave a comment

Writing late night is usually a bad idea.

Virtually anything requiring the processing of emotions after oh, say, 9pm is probably not the best idea.  But, tonight, I pull an Olivia and say eff the police because if I don’t get it out of me, I just might lose my mind.

And, since it’s 1214am EST, who’s awake and sober?  Uhhhh, no one.  Except maybe my Momma.  Ha, let’s get real.

You have to get it out of you when the devil comes in and dances on your head about how terribly alone you are, you the 30+ something who still lives in a house full of girls that are not your own.  He beats you with a sledgehammer branded with the word “Loneliness” and you take a beating.  The tears flow as you struggle to stand up and the beatings continue.  They flow over the children you’ve only dreamed about and the husband that doesn’t exist who thinks your laughter is infectious and loves the way you make scrambled eggs.  That rotten devil jerkface uses every little thing as illustrations in his sermon on how much you are less than.  The empty seat next to you at dinner becomes the size of the hollow empty room in your heart.

And sometimes, you know sometimes, it sucks.
We don’t talk about it.  How it’s okay to suck.  It’s okay to be frustrated beyond belief at the lack of gumption in others and the lack of intentionality in yourself.  Sometimes, the journey has days where the rain of your wailing sloppy tears soaks your everything as your mascara creates streams of sadness down your face.

I sincerely believe we weren’t created to be alone this long.
And, at virtually all times, I manage to keep the lies at bay.  I manage to throw all my weight into Love and stand up.  I kick the lies out of my house and strive to use the fighting to relate to other beautiful women.

Some nights, though, I can’t stand up.

Then, in His goodness, I’m reminded that He couldn’t either on this day two millenia ago.
And because of it, I am made new.

Oh, alleluia.


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