This is the last time we take directions from a squirrel.

March 27, 2013 § 1 Comment

Yesterday, I changed my Facebook status to the following:

My wandering heart says “Maybe we should go. You know you wanna go. Pack up the car and go? Make new friends and find a new coffee shop and ooh could it be near the OCEAN?! We could salsa dance & you could work at a real studio with big windows!”

And my older spirit says “For crying out loud, just stay put.”
Sigh. Will it always be like this?

After changing the status, I climbed into my gift of a vehicle and turned on tunes via Spotify Radio.  The first song to play?  One of my favorite hymns: Come Thou Fount
The irony was not lost on me.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love

For, oh sweet Lord, do I have a wanderer’s heart.  This November will mark seven years in Raleigh and I keep looking to what I should be doing next.  Life in Raleigh is sweet, for certain, and Carolina will run through my veins ’til I die.  With nothing “tying me down”, the status I posted yesterday is how I feel a lot of hours of a lot of days.  And then, as I worked through a lot of this on the phone with one of my heartstrings, I got called out big time.
“You’re asking the wrong questions”, he said.  “The question is not to go or stay put.  The more important thing to ask is God, examine my heart and motivations.”
“You need to learn to shut up.”

Ouch.  That one stung.  And I laughed out of both nervousness and amusement.  Because it was completely and totally true.  Don’t lie, you’re laughing, too.

In all my rambling, I had become like a child, asking the questions I already knew the answers to.  I just wanted the official approval to do what I wanted to do.  And God, in His goodness, said “You heard me the first time.”  Through the words of others, He reminds me of Jonah.  You know Jonah.  The crazy fool who thought he could outrun the Father of Lights and do whatever he wanted.  And then a giant ass whale swallowed him.  God always knew Jonah would wind up in Nineveh.  Jonah fought it, for sure.  But, God wound up putting Jonah where he was supposed to be anyways.
That’s what sovereignty means.  That God knows the decisions you are going to make and pursues you anyways.  He works things together for good, no matter what.

I had taken something good and beautiful and cranked the perspective three degrees to the right.  Not terribly off track, but enough to throw me totally off track.  My priority had become figuring out what route to take in this sometimes-swamp-sometimes-gorgeous-beach we call Adulthood and my top priority was no longer Love.  At the end of the day, I want Love to be my everything.  And, if I’m in Carolina or halfway around the world, my heart will forever long for Love.  Let that be my motivation.  Let that be the crown upon my head.

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for thy courts above

Raleigh, looks like I’ll be with you for awhile longer yet.  Don’t think I won’t be taking a road trip or ten, though.
Who’s down for swimming in the ocean with dolphins or stingrays or both?
That’s next on the bucket list. 🙂

this is not the end
this bride
you and i will rise
come alive like third day morning 
first breaths of Christ
sing like the waves and the leaves do
hum like the souls of the old do
this is not the end
Amena Brown/Gungor

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§ One Response to This is the last time we take directions from a squirrel.

  • Love, love, love this. I wrote a blog awhile back about how a theology of rest is really a theology of trust. It’s a lesson my Type-A self has to be reminded of. Regularly. I’ll be praying for you sweet lady!

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