But, seriously.

January 29, 2013 § 2 Comments

You are allowed to not enjoy the journey, he said.

One of the most gorgeous things about being an official adult is you have friends that have been around for over a decade.  Additionally, we have all been adults of legal drinking age during that entire time.  These folks know me.  You cannot be around that long and not go through some crazy mess like renting a moving van on a Visa with two available dollars and somehow getting approved.  Giggling on the beach together, toes in the sand, in January.  Or driving through western Pennsylvania at 3am in the middle of winter because life happens sometimes, ya know?  And maybe, just maybe, one of you will sleep (*cough* me) while the other one of you takes some caffeine pills while also consuming AN ENTIRE LITER OF MOUNTAIN DEW.

This is real life.  You go through crap like that and there is a bond on the other side.

And so, with these kinds of friends, you type three sentences on a google chat screen and they waltz right past everything going on superficially, turn the corner and, just like that, are standing with you in the eat-in kitchen where you were having a screaming match with Jesus.
Every single time, I am caught off guard.
But, it’s so good for me.

While figuring out interpersonal communication is difficult enough, trying to figure it out between the sexes is just downright impossible, I feel.  Add in to the mix everything that dances in my head at once and it’s no wonder I’m in here in the kitchen, sweatpants on and tears streaming, fighting it out with Love.

He won’t even engage in any kind of conversation…
Love is patient…
He hasn’t promised you anything…
He hasn’t acknowledged a damn thing…
Don’t forget about that one over there…
Oh, the one that doesn’t take me seriously?…
That doesn’t really narrow it down…
What, exactly, is printed on my forehead that says “Please, use me for your benefit and then become a total douche?”…
Or is that every girl’s forehead….
Oh, don’t be such a dramatist, Hames…
Jesus is enough…
He is sovereign.  You believe that…
Well, yes, I believe that, but this roundabout gets old…
Let’s just sell everything and move to a new city…
It only has to work with just one…
What if I don’t have a “one”? ….
Well, then we’re going skydiving after visiting Rachel in Thailand…
I don’t WANT to go skydiving, ok that’s a lie, I do…
No, what I WANT is someone to be stupid with me in bad movies…
Dates by yourself are pretty grand…
Yes, but I thought I might have known…
Well, you’ve been wrong about all the other ones…
I just wanted to be right….
I just wanted to be considered…

And there it is.  The rub.  Almost all behavior done by women lies in that single thought.
“I just want to be considered.”

When things get all kinds of real during my screaming matches, I’m thankful for souls like my great friend.  They pull you off of your self-made island and remind you that the show is not about you.  They are the beauties that speak truth in the midst of hard things on the journey.  And this one, for certain, was timely and good and soul-awakening.

You are allowed to not enjoy it, he said.  If you could remember coming out of the womb, you would likely not enjoy those memories.  But, you wouldn’t change anything.

It’s not about you.
It’s about Love.
But, you are allowed to not always enjoy it.

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§ 2 Responses to But, seriously.

  • Well now, probably shouldn’t have read this during working hours because I had to excuse myself to the ladies room so the tears wouldn’t be seen.

    You nailed it girly – often times, I would love to just be considered. But I’m not (at least not that I’ve been told). I’m a hard consderation, as one guy told me a year or so ago. I’m smart, successful, with multiple degrees, but I’m a single parent to a special needs child and I’m overweight. The weight alone doesn’t even get me a second look. Throwing additional challenge in there and it’s all but sealed. And so many times God has had to speak into my heart that it’s okay, He’s enough, I’M ENOUGH, even if no man can see that. Even if no man can look past the weight, the kid, (not to mention the whole smart and successful thing which developmental psych books say is statistically limiting as well) it doesn’t matter.

    There are days I believe that and walk in it, and there are days I beg God to make something different, be it in me or someone else. And then there are days when I simply believe this is the way it will always be – hard and lonely. Every time, God graciously wrestles me back to middle ground, where He is enough, where I am ENOUGH.

    But you are so right – some days I don’t like it one bit. And that’s okay. But God loves me even in my fits and He always keeps holding me, sustaining me, healing me. He’s in the process, even when it’s not fun. I can rejoice in Him no matter what.

    Thank you for sharing this, lovely!

  • Mom says:

    I have been told, when walking through hard conversation with a Certain Male Individual [coughYourDadcoughcough!!] that men are basically basic. Most are pretty lacking when it comes to intuition- especially the emotional kind- and they need REALLY PLAIN SIGNALS/ENGLISH/COMMUNICATION or they don’T HAVE A CLUE.AT.ALL. Which is why in middle school/high school there is all this askhimtoaskheriftheotherherlikesyou and unfortunately most men don’t grow out of. Some women too. All I can say is YOUAREAWESOME!! and I should know- if you weren’t I’d tell you [Gezz Amaris-take a bath!]. really. Just BEE yourself, love yourself, and let Jesus do the rest. He knows your heart,and your needs. LOVEYOUFRENFREN! 😀

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