30 Things (I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Was 30)

Today, I turn 30.
Thirty!
I swear I blinked and here I am joining the Cool Kids Club.  No, really, it’s a Club.  I got a card in the mail and everything.

For as long as I can remember, I have done things differently.  Sure, I had good friends in high school and covered my face in paint for homecoming games.  I worked decent jobs and have a great family and, for the longest time, thought living in a cubicle wearing “business casual” was what I wanted to do with my life.
If that’s what you want to do with your life, that’s awesome.
But, I mean, have you met me?

In the course of doing things differently, there have been a few things I wish someone had told me.  I’m not sure it would have helped all that much, as some lessons need to be learned by experience, but I still think it.  So, in that vein, I bring you a list of 30 things I wish someone had told me before I hit 30.  Heck, before I hit 25, even.

Special thanks to Beth Parent and Dre Szkolnyj for their hilarious assistance.

My life is beautiful.
Alright, 30, let’s dance.

1.  Do not let the words of someone else determine your joy.  Amen.
2.  When you take the lid off a boiling pot of anything, that lid will drip on your toes.  And it will suck.
3.  There will come a time when doing simple things like closing the car door or walking downhill will make your body hurt.  Like a lot.  This time is coming soon.
4.  Take care of your skin. It really, REALLY matters. It will sag in places you didn’t think it would sag. And this is just the beginning.
5.  Invest in a good bra.  It will change your life.  Don’t be afraid to have a great sales woman feel you up to make it happen.
6.  There is no path that anyone SHOULD go down.  Anybody that tells you that is lying.  You have to figure out what YOUR story is.
Everyone’s story is different.
Everyone’s.
7.  However, there ARE some paths that no one should go down. Like, butt implants. Or cocaine.
8.  There will come a day when you are so excited to stay home on a Friday night.  Embrace it.  And stock up on Ben and Jerry’s.  Cuz’ you’s gawn need it.
9.  Learn the Tim Tam Slam.
10. You know a lot less than you think you do.  Don’t assume.  Ask more questions.
11. You know a lot more than you think you do.  Be confident.
12. Create.  As often as possible.
13. Figure out how to use who you are for the benefit of everyone.  Don’t be less of who you are because it inconveniences someone else.
14. Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it’s better.
15. However, don’t be afraid to spend money on really good shoes.  They will make you much happier every day.
16. Be vulnerable with people who will love and care for you, not just dudes who act like they care so they can get into your drawers.
17. Keep a chocolate drawer to keep you sane.
18. Don’t iron your hair. It does not work like a flat iron.
19. If you’re not sure that it’s just going to be a fart, hold it in until you can get to a restroom.
20. Cancel memberships you no longer use.  Even if you think they’re going to end on their own, double check.
21. Be thoughtful and kind.  They’re more important than being important.
22. When you’re stressed out, puppies really do make everything better.  Go find one.
23. If you can’t find a puppy, The Three Amigos and mint-chocolate-chip ice cream will suffice.
24. Men at 30 have the potential to look DRASTICALLY different than they did at twenty.  You should be aware of this before you make any long-term decisions.
Drastically.
25. Don’t wait on somebody else to give you flowers.  Fill your home with them.
26. There will be a year in your early/mid-twenties that will TOTALLY suck.  But it will get better.  Promise.
27. Do NOT, under any circumstances, believe the following myths:
– You’re not grown up until you have children.
– You’re not married because you’re not “ready.”
– You’re not lovable if you don’t have a man in your life.
– If a boy doesn’t like you, you need to change.
– After you get married, you can’t travel any more.
– If you’re not married, you are alone.
– The older you get, the less likely you are to find someone.
28. It may require you to eat a lot of ramen later, but go. on. vacation.  Your soul needs it.
29. Don’t be lame and don’t be an asshole.
30. Dance it out.