Who knew I liked Bethany Dillon?

October 10, 2011 § 2 Comments

Photoshop should consume my screen.  Or the 115 pages of reading that I have to do this week.  Emails.  Checkbook reconciliation.  There’s plenty I could and should be doing at midnight on a Sunday.  Instead, caramel brownies are baking and the voice of John Mark McMillan  resonates off my walls as I sit here chatting with you.  It’s been a long, long, difficult week.

Earlier, Daniel & I went to a small Baptist church up in Wake Forest to hear these great men and, as always, my heart was wrecked.  Ironically, by a girl that I really don’t want to like.  There, I said it.  I don’t want to like Bethany Dillon.  At the age of 19, she met the love of her life, Shane Barnard, yeah, him, and got married.  They have a beautiful daughter.   He makes beautiful music.  She makes beautiful music.   I dream and covet the home life she must have.  Even the sleeplessness.  I’m already suffering through sleeplessness!  Except there’s no other soul to cause the lack of sleep.  (And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.)

As I told Daniel on the way home, a piece of me wails “Don’t I get a turn?!”
It is sometimes so hard to stay in this.

So, I don’t want to like this girl.  And then, she stands up and sings THIS:

I want to be beautiful 
Make you stand in awe 
Look inside my heart, 
and be amazed 
I want to hear you say 
Who I am is quite enough 
Just want to be worthy of love 
And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me 
Fighting to make the mirror happy 
Trying to find whatever is missing 
Won’t you help me back to glory 

AGH.
And all the walls I fight to keep up and all the faces I try to save all get shot to hell.  Have I mentioned I basically suck at keeping it together when someone breezes right through the formal living room and comes to have a seat in the kitchen?  Well, I do.  Now you know.

I could so easily look at how I can’t run at all right now, how things are hard, and why, Jesus, have you not yet brought along my teammate?  My undergrad career is nearly over.  What use will he be after that?
(insert me giggling)

My life is so absolutely breathtaking.  Despite the hiccups, speed bumps, and pounds and pounds of mac & cheese.  Ok, especially BECAUSE of the mac & cheese.

Clear eyes.  Full heart.  Can’t lose.

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§ 2 Responses to Who knew I liked Bethany Dillon?

  • Katie says:

    We always think the grass is greener in someone else’s yard, but the truth is if we spend too much time coveting their yard and neglecting our own, it’s always going to look that way. But it’s not. Love where you are, because you’re in a beautiful place. The opportunities you have now and have in the future wouldn’t be if your life were any different right now.

    God wants you to have the desires of your heart, He put them there in fact. So, wait patiently and He will follow through. Love you!

  • candymirandy says:

    beautifully written. I’m in the same boat chicken. I so badly want to be married to the man who I don’t think is annoying and loves me and i love him like shane and bethany. BUTTTT think of what gift you have now. singleness is a huge huge huge true gift. TRUE gift. It’s just like marriage, marriage is a season in life and a gift but there’s a lot more you can do when you’re single. Being more mobile to do whatever he calls you to do. GO GOD. I loved seeing you there!

    shane and shane liberty is baller too.

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