Who knew I liked Bethany Dillon?
October 10, 2011 § 2 Comments
Photoshop should consume my screen. Or the 115 pages of reading that I have to do this week. Emails. Checkbook reconciliation. There’s plenty I could and should be doing at midnight on a Sunday. Instead, caramel brownies are baking and the voice of John Mark McMillan resonates off my walls as I sit here chatting with you. It’s been a long, long, difficult week.
Earlier, Daniel & I went to a small Baptist church up in Wake Forest to hear these great men and, as always, my heart was wrecked. Ironically, by a girl that I really don’t want to like. There, I said it. I don’t want to like Bethany Dillon. At the age of 19, she met the love of her life, Shane Barnard, yeah, him, and got married. They have a beautiful daughter. He makes beautiful music. She makes beautiful music. I dream and covet the home life she must have. Even the sleeplessness. I’m already suffering through sleeplessness! Except there’s no other soul to cause the lack of sleep. (And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.)
As I told Daniel on the way home, a piece of me wails “Don’t I get a turn?!”
It is sometimes so hard to stay in this.
So, I don’t want to like this girl. And then, she stands up and sings THIS:
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory
And all the walls I fight to keep up and all the faces I try to save all get shot to hell. Have I mentioned I basically suck at keeping it together when someone breezes right through the formal living room and comes to have a seat in the kitchen? Well, I do. Now you know.
I could so easily look at how I can’t run at all right now, how things are hard, and why, Jesus, have you not yet brought along my teammate? My undergrad career is nearly over. What use will he be after that?
(insert me giggling)
My life is so absolutely breathtaking. Despite the hiccups, speed bumps, and pounds and pounds of mac & cheese. Ok, especially BECAUSE of the mac & cheese.
Clear eyes. Full heart. Can’t lose.