September 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
Midnight. Still on campus. Debating on whether or not to stay here until 3am and walk home or just another hour and return manana. Except, I’m a night owl. I’ll get so much more done between now and 3am. On the other hand, dinner was 6 hours ago. I’m starving.
This is my life. Welcome!
The last month has been a whirlwind of change, as per usual. Looking at where I am now versus just a year ago, or even two years ago, blows my ever-lovin’ mind. The biggest event is my first big-girl home. I’m in an apartment with no roommates and cabinets full of the blue printed dinnerware my momma gave me 9 years ago, when I moved out on my own for the very first time. It is lovely, I tell you, just lovely. Whatever I’d like to hear fills the rooms and light seems to seep in at every corner. The kitchen might be the tiniest room I’ve ever possessed, but it’s livable. I sleep like a rock and wake when I need to. While there is no furniture for guests to sit on, really, it hasn’t kept them away yet.
What? No big black hole couch?
Well, it’s at Luke & Brodie’s. Besides, my living area has become one giant office, with a 10-foot-long and 80-years-old maple dining room table being used as a desk and camera equipment and prints all over the place.
Being in my own space has been liberating on a lot of levels. However, being in my own space has been hard, too. Pieces of an old relationship continue to be found in nooks and crannies I haven’t had time to pay attention to for the past couple of years. The mornings are full of quiet, which are quite nice, but the nights are, too. Nighttime is when the devil likes to dance on my head. Remind me that I am still alone (and here comes 30), remind me of my inadequacies, remind me of how little of my shit I actually have together.
We have arguments at night, sometimes, me and the devil.
I like to remind him that I am a daughter of the most high God. And that he should GTFO.
I sleep much better in this house than I did at Derby.
Though there are moments of loneliness, and weddings are, on some level, still hard to work or attend, I know that I am being looked after. What God will hammer out and place in front of me will be His best for me. Things only make sense within each individuals story, so I aim to not worry, for there is no magic age or plan or prototype. Look at my story, and you’ll see that there has been provision and grace and guidance. He’s got it.
And yet…after WEEKS of debate, I took the plunge and signed up for e friggin’ harmony. (Don’t worry, I face palmed myself after doing so.) So far, a very nice man informed me he can’t be with someone that swears and another nice man informed me that I was overwhelming.
What I said out loud upon reading the details of the former shall not be repeated on the internetz.
So, I’ve thrown in the towel. No, really. I do not have the time, energy, patience, or money to keep up with all the superficial crap that comes with something like eharmony. I just don’t. Maybe in another season. Or another life. At the moment, I’ve got a big girl house and startup business and senior year of undergrad that need my attention. There’s your beautiful faces, too.
Come on ovah! We’ll order food and eat on the floor and laugh ’til we can’t breathe.
Beer’s already in the fridge.