Be silent no more.

September 30, 2010 § 1 Comment

Since moving to Raleigh, I have stumbled on to the path that is my femininity.  (Aaaaaand there go the men…it’s all good, it’s always better just us girls anyways. ;))
See, that word – femininity – used to be ugly to me.  It implied weakness and inferiority.  It carried no weight. Slowly, that view has come around to imply deep beauty, respect, & strength.  Getting here has been a long, hard road.  A path that, as I turn around and look at the past four years, I recognize how far I have come and how much Jesus has changed me.

Along with this change, my scope of friends has also changed.  From being surrounded by nearly all men, I now long for my date nights with girlfriends.  My heart now beats fiercely for the women that are brought alongside me on the path of life and I long to hear their story while eating chocolate cupcakes with each of them.  As I listen, I pray they know about my 24.7 rule and feel comfortable using it, if necessary.  If you haven’t heard of this, I urge you to consider implementing it in to your life.  I want to be available 24.7 if someone needs food, or shelter, or a ride home, or an ear because their questioning their life.  I long for someone to call me at 3am rather than continue in life-robbing behavior. My phone stays by my head.  Go ahead.  Wake me up.

And yet, I somehow feel as if I have almost no one that I can call at 3am.  (Big breath…as it’s about to get real up in here RULL quick.)  So, for the past two years, as I have struggled and fought and lamented and prayed and screwed up all over again with a major struggle in my life, I have felt trapped inside myself.

“Who will listen to me?  Who will love me even with all of this mess I am fighting?  There’s no grace for me with people.  It’s just me and Jesus.
Fight it out, Amaris.  He’s got you and that’s all you need.”
And while Jesus definitely is enough (or should be…we sing it, right?), he has made us for community.  The simple act of confession is incredibly healing.

Yet, somehow, I totally missed all of this.
And everytime life got hard, like really really hard, I slipped back in to my old routines.
And then, when I would be lying prostrate on the floor, wailing and talking to Dad, I would resolve to find someone, ANYONE, to just listen.  It was like I had to get it outside of me or I would be consumed.
And time & time again, that d-bag (sidebar: that right there just made me laugh) would tell me I was alone.  To suck it up.

Friends thought I had hopped on the legit crazy train.  They didn’t understand who I was or what I was doing.  I have received emails from friends I have not seen in months, telling me that they can tell via facebook that something is wrong and how much they love me, how much God loves me, and how beautiful I am.  If you were one of those women, I do not have the words to thank you.

Receiving those emails made me all the more resilient to find SOMEONE.  But, it couldn’t be just anyone.  This isn’t pain you just going throwing out in the open and hanging from the clotheslines.
Then, I slipped through the cracks of infrastructure.  It happens.  Of course, there was always that one counselor I had been sent to (for something else completely different a couple of years ago) who, after I had unloaded everything, looked at me and said, in this really grating tone, “First, I want you to remember that you are a princess of the King.  And princesses don’t say words like that.”

I am not even shitting you.

But, as I hunted and struggled and pondered, I thought, “I’m plugged in.  I serve at a church.  I’m involved in a community group.  I have tons of people around me.  What’s this like for an introvert?  Or a college girl who knows no one, isn’t plugged in, and calls home to her momma, 3 hours away?”
The resources are hard to find.  They are almost non-existent.  Or at least, ways to find them are almost non-existent.  And in a church community with over 50% college women, there is no way I am the only one struggling with habitual sin and longing for a Godly woman to talk to, who will understand, and point me to Christ?  Right?

There have to be better answers.  For me and every other woman that loves Jesus who is silently struggling.

While I do live my life “out loud”, as Whitney says, it is rare that I open up with y’all on this level.
But, if by opening up this avenue of conversation, just one young woman is brought to healing, it was totally worth it.
People are always worth it.

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§ One Response to Be silent no more.

  • T Faub says:

    Wake me up at 3am!!!!!! or 2 or 4!!!!!!! how I have not made this entirely obvious I don’t know, oh wait the whol climbing into a hole this past year might have given a bad impression, but even then I would have been happy to answer your call. I wish i could be close enough to even get out of bed and meet you at a awfle waffle for a cup of joe and a hug.
    luvs, congrats, I want to stand you next to a wall and say look how much youve grown while marking over your head with a penscil 🙂

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