I believe that everyone comes from pain and a certain amount of dysfunction.-Mariel Hemingway (the other Hemingway)

March 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

Did I mention that I’m terrible at regular blogging?  No?  There.  Mentioned.  Done.  I knew I shouldn’t have posted the address to this on my facebook yet.  I’m just not a regular blogger.  I need prunes…or maybe some Metamucil.  Is there Metamucil for blogging?  (Now you know I’m up way too late.  I am downright giggling at myself.  And y’all, it’s just not that funny.)

Sidebar: I found zee ipod!!!!  She was hiding, in a secret pocket of my pack.  I was so HAPPY!  Ok, end of sidebar.

A grand friend of mine told me recently that I “live out loud, and do it so well!”  Which made me think, “What does that even mean?”  After thinking, and a poll or 2, she basically meant that a lot of my life is out there, I let a lot of folks in on lots of it.  (Hi, I’m an extrovert?)  And, for the most part, I like it.  Then I wonder, should I be silent more?  Should less people know what’s going on?  Am I that weird person that exists in everyone’s life that’s just so nice they put up with them, but never really say “Hey, person, you’re kind of annoying”, because they are just so nice?

These are the thoughts that run through my head.  It all just further convinces me that I am a crazy.  Julia Sugarbaker talks about crazies:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3KQgulBzh0&feature=related

If you haven’t yet met Julia Sugarbaker, you should make that happen.  This show continues to cause wheezing, snorting, choking, and tears when I watch it.

Where was I?  Right.  I’m a crazy.

The past couple of weeks without twitter have been really interesting.   With 30-something days left in the season of Lent, I’m trying really hard to be intentional in my being silent.  Being silent is not my strength, nor the first thing I think of.  But, being silent has allowed the Spirit to speak much in to my soul, and instigate a lot of heart change that, though it is not completed yet, will bring about a healthier version of me.  Just maybe, the version of me that will finally understand and respect boundaries, a slow pace, and that small part of my heart I am supposed to guard strongly, until Jesus brings him about.  That is the crux of living your life out loud.  Sometimes, that area of my heart gets peeked in to.  Sometimes, certain people kick down the door, and I am not prepared for it.

I’ve heard it described as living a “vulnerable life”.  Good description, I think.  It’s dangerous to put yourself out there, for others to see, condemn, rip apart, wound.  But, how will we ever love with abandon, the way Jesus did, if we do not put ourselves out there?  If there is no sacrifice, how can others see Him?  We cannot love only when it is convenient, when it won’t wake the children, or when we don’t have dinner planned out with friends.  Hear me well, children are to be adored and celebrations are meant to be had.  Jesus partied, too.  Even so, the way I live my life has allowed for conversation that would have never taken place otherwise, amongst believers, seekers, and doubters all.

We are all human.  We all bleed.  We all desire to be loved.  And in a world of brokenness, the beautiful comes through the lack of perfection.  Don’t be robbed of the amazing sitting right in front of you.  Sure, dinner out with 3 forks, 2 spoons, and glassware for a small army is great, especially if it’s great food, but isn’t putt-putt at Wal-Mart and dancing in the foyer so much more beautiful?  You have to put yourself out there to do those things.  They invite others to get a closer glimpse, you let them in.   A table can be an amazing barrier.

Living out loud is not cheap.  Women come over for a porch swing and a glass of wine (or my momma’s couch and a cupcake) to share their lives, laugh ’til we cry, or shed tears of pain.  My phone wakens me at 7am, and midnight-thirty.  My door should be rotating with the amount of foot traffic our house receives.  But, I LOVE it.  Sure, because I love people.  That doesn’t hurt.  Mostly though, my love for others comes directly from the realization that I have been given much.  There are countless, endless numbers of people who have been gracious, kind, compassionate, understanding with me.  What am I to do with the talents I have been given?  I am to be faithful with them.

Faithful.  That’s a whole ‘nother conversation, in and of itself.

Personally, I’d rather be considered slightly crazy, by living out loud, and get this beautiful life, than play it safe, in my cute house, with eggshell paint, and no idea who my neighbors are.  Although, a couple of our neighbors are DEFINITELY crazy.  They’ve almost made it to “Never Existed” on the house corkboard.  Yeah.  Crazy like THAT.

To be honest, though, it’s not that bad in here…with the crazies.  We have a good time.

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