All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

February 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

Ohhhh, I am a terrible blogger.  Turr-bull.  But, hopefully, you’ll understand that this is how I roll, and forgive me.  Again.
This year, all thirty-something days of it, has already been rather interesting.  Instead of giving you a monotonous recount of everything I did (in minute detail!), I thought I’d share with you everything I’m learning.  Nearly all of last year felt like an old version of me was ending…dying; and, as the arrival of this year got closer, I became excited thinking about what the new me would look like, and be like.

I told a good friend that there has not been an age that I like the best so far.  I liked 22 when I was 22, and 25 when I was 25, and I am already loving 28.  It seems that I grow in to something better as the years go on.  At least, that’s what I hope.  So, as the previous version of me is ending, and you are faced with the new and improved Amaris, this is what she is discovering.

Being obedient, though difficult, really is the best way. During a chat with Jesus a year or so ago, Jesus quietly told me to obey, and to watch what He did as a result.  I did not give my whole heart to it for very long.  And, as a result, I faced some unnecessary difficulties.  Obedience really is the healthiest way to walk in a loving relationship with Him.  The heart change it produces is incredible.

I need quiet…at least every once in a while.  At the beginning of the year, I had the opportunity to travel for a couple of weeks with my very grand friend, Rachel.  She left me in Chicago to go see her family and, rather than fly at the same time, I stayed in Chicago for 24 hours alone.  Yes.  Amaris was alone, in a strange city, for an entire day.  (I cannot wait for the comments on this one.)  I took the opportunity to have some major change, and some major quiet, and some major discussion with one very awesome God.  Though I love people something fierce, I need the chance to get away…occasionally. 🙂

Food is a gift from God.  Until hanging out with a good friend here in Raleigh, I had never really stopped much to think about food.  I like food.  Sometimes, it likes me.  I make a mean banana puddin’, and french toast, and london broil…haha, I’ll stop now.  And I love a full house for dinner.  But, God could have made food bland, and mediocre, and something merely required for survival.  He could have easily required our bodies to survive on manna and water.  How awful would that be!?!?!  But, He loves us, and He did not. It brings life, in more ways than one.

Psoriasis is not a gift from God.  As I’ve struggled to figure out what I am to learn from this disease, I’ve thought maybe God “allowed” me to have it, in order to reveal Himself more, or to glorify Himself.  I know that He will use it to do both of those things.  He already has, and it is incredible to watch that play out.  But, I do not believe Jesus “gifts” us with disease.  He uses evil things for good, for those that believe in Him.  Just coming in to this realization has caused my latest flare (six months and counting) to diminish significantly.

Your heart is a delicate muscle; treat it with care.  There are aches and longings of my heart that I think many women struggle with, at one point or another in their life.  Handing all of these wants over to God is difficult and, in my attempts to handle things my way, I have caused irreparable harm.  Then, a great friend lets me borrow this great truck and, at 1am on a Friday night, Jesus reveals Himself.  “Look to me, my daughter.  Find rest.  Allow me to take care of it.”

So, it will be interesting to see what life looks like in a year; as I seek to look to Him, to find rest, and allow Him to take care of it.


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