Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. -Christopher Morley
November 2, 2009 § Leave a comment
Countless times over the past couple of weeks I have longed to get on here and type it out. I didn’t, mostly, because the things that have come alongside me on the path, as of late, have not been funny. I love to laugh, ’til I cry and loudly…the kind of laughing that makes other people in the restaurant put down their fork, turn around, and go “What the hell is that intolerable noise??”. However, with Ms. Onward Hoe a Italia, and my life lacking in Jenn Cribbs lately, I’ve not met my quota. Also, the past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest in my adult life, for reasons you are lucky enough to get to know about.
After much discussion, I decided I’d leave the super hysterical life moments to beautiful women like dooce and bethie , and this is just where I’m at in life. So there. I’ve also decided to change the masthead picture to match what dances across my brain the most lately. And, to be honest, I can hardly sit here and ramble about my shortcomings, and what I “struggle” with daily, after my recent trip to Chicago.
I told a mystery man recently (no, really, he’s a man of mystery. I have never met him, we just talk back and forth on twitter. Yes, my life is weird, what of it?) Anyways, where was I? Right, telling mystery man, that travel always puts life into perspective. And hoo boy, does it. (You can thank Bethie for my proper use of the phrase “hoo boy”, you should use it, too.) This most recent trip was a random jaunt to Chicago, via Indianapolis, and I desperately wanted to see my Momma’s folks. So, on the way home, we stopped in the booming metropolis of Cullowhee, NC to see my Papaw & Gran-Gran. A few months too late, I fear, as my Papaw has Alzheimer’s, and it is taking him quickly. I told myself all summer that I would get out there, and I let other things occupy my time, steal my attention, and I let one very-much-needs-Jesus boss guilt trip me into less days off. Damn it all if I ever succumb to that again.
It was a whirlwind couple of hours, a sleep, and a short morning with them before we had to hit the road again (thanks to that thing called my job), and I was losing my composure before I even got in to the car. I tried very hard not to let my Gran see me cry, as all I could think during my entire time there, and much of the way home, was how hard this must be for her. She’s slept under the same roof as this one man for over 50 years. Raised 3 amazing children, hosted giant Thanksgivings, had music fill their home as my Papaw plays the guitar; and, if you’ve never been around when me, my sister, my momma, my aunt, her 3 daughters, and my Gran are in the same room, you have not yet lived. Due to my lack of a car, I’m an incredibly long 4 1/2 hours away-as is momma-and I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for Gran. She was exhausted and it was almost eerie to sit across the table from this amazing woman, who has the same eyes, hands, and laugh of my momma, and me, too.
After overwhelming my friend Jon, who drove all the way to Chicago and back (seriously!), we got back to Raleigh, and it amazes me how such a short time with my family can affect so many other things in my life.
School is even more important, and I’m talking to my sister more, though we’re both swamped. I’m hugging more, even if people don’t want it, and my level of compassion and understanding for others has increased. I’m slow to make angry already (which is ironic if you knew me 10 years ago, before Jesus), but life is but a blink, much too short to spend it not attempting to give to others and love them well. My complicated situation is now, not so complicated. Don’t you worry, it still messes with my head every day. There’s no way you can give of yourself to one person over 4 years and change and not have it pull on some sort of heart string. However, before, as momma says, I was throwing bricks to keep it all together.
Now, if it’s just me and Jesus, I’m okay with that. He’s on my team and loves me, despite the fact that I put my feet on the dashboard.