October 8, 2009 § Leave a comment
Before I even begin what I was actually going to write…I have two cursors blinking on the same screen right now and it is tripping me out.
End of sidebar before the actual bar.
I have what I call a “life book” that I carry with me almost as much as Patty Duke Jr. and I call it a life book because it’s more than a journal, really. I plan meals, write down important things, doodle, take notes during a sermon, and write about life in it. But, no one, I mean no one else looks at it. And I am pretty strict about it. I mean, my LIFE is in this thing. I don’t just walk around letting people peer into the super secret stuff about me.
Ok, sometimes I DO let people peer in. But, that’s because I’m an extrovert. Besides the point. Any way you look at it, I’m pretty protective about my life book. And I sometimes go back through and read old things I’ve written about-what I was struggling with, what I was praying for, the list goes on. Especially with the prayers, it’s quite fantastic to look back six months or more and see what I was praying for and realize that the prayer was answered. 🙂
So, because I was having a good day…or something…I decided to let you fine people peer in to a tiny slice of my life book.
Mondays, as a rule, are so difficult. Today was no exception as I had rent due…and rent due day is always a struggle it seems. It was raining, and I missed bus no. 1 AND bus no. 2. As I stood there, after missing the second bus by mere seconds, struggling to keep my composure (and doing a terrible job), two women appeared at the far corner of Glenwood, in the rain, wearing nothing but sweats, and one of them barefoot. And, immediately, my wailing ceased. My woe-is-me who missed the bus on her way to her higher education (that I only mildly work at some days), my pathetic whining from under the hood of my REI rainshell, standing there with dry feet because of some incredible footwear (from the same store)…my pitiful moaning that was so unwarranted. How do I not remember how blessed and well taken care of I am? How am I not more thankful?
So quickly I focus on what needs work in my life. So quickly I forget others. For someone who really, truly (madly, deeply…just too easy) loves others-I just can’t believe myself sometimes. It makes me wonder where I lost my way. Taking care of others seemed like second nature 9 years ago. In a lot of ways, it still is. But, before, I had no problem showing love to someone experiencing homelessness. Now, my heart is still in it, but I have no idea where to start. And to sit and listen to my Momma cry about how we, as a country, “have a lot to answer for”, how she doesn’t understand how churches downtown sit empty midweek while people sleep cold and alone on the street….it really slapped me in the face. As my church-my beautiful, downtown, old warehouse of a church that I adore and love, that seeks to honor Jesus-sits empty during the week except for a class or churchy conference. We talk about loving people, and welcoming them in with loving arms, but what does that look like? How does that play out practically for an area in great need? How do we physically meet the needs of people that don’t shop at REI, smell bad, and think most about where their next meal will come from?
Have we become our own worst enemy?
And because I love you… you’ll like this-promise.